Advent invites us to consider - no, to dance - the measure of memory and of longing. Christ has come; Christ is coming. It is not enough merely to think. It might be enough to journey, to wait, to bear the shame to shudder under the angels' song, to labor, to cradle, to wonder. It might be enough to live His coming. Every year He comes into a new place in each of us personally. And He uses the wildest media. The things we discard, disregard, dread.
This year, for me it is illness and humbling. I have cancer. I am not in control. My cells have forgotten their duties. I have forgotten what it means to be human. Judah had forgotten what it meant to be God's people. Surgery at the end of the old Church calendar carved out the deadly flesh that spread still more death. The chemotherapy coincides with the beginning of Advent, the new year of our Lord.
I am looking for Him. Will He "reconcile the violence in my heart"? Will He purge the demons of my past and read, somehow, the longings I have buried under the limping drive to make some kind of a difference to His Kingdom? What kind of new birth can I expect in the stabled darkness?
Surely He will come. Even Time serves Him. I expect to hear the Gloria, to rock the limp weight of new life...something. But I will not settle for a substitute.
Come quickly, Lord Jesus!
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Artwork by Kim Anderson. Crushed Head, Bruised Heel. Ink on glass, 1978.
5 comments:
A very powerful post. I am so moved by your journey. Your writing so beautifully captures advent and the personal valley you are traveling through. Thank you for this post - I will pray God's healing hand upon you, and grace to walk the valley in the meantime.
this...
"to dance - the measure of memory and of longing"
felt like a poem. My heart moved to it.
Thanks for your encouragement! Writing is one of the few things I can do while I'm laid up.
Kim, beautiful writing. Your words cut to the heart and take root there. You will be in my prayers through this struggle.
I am honored that you put me on your blogroll, you're on mine now as well. Finding your blog is like finding a gift I can unwrap a bit at a time. I'm looking forward to reading more of your wonderful writing!
Roo, I'm delighted to be finding so many new writing friends these days. Thanks to HCB and Random Acts of Poetry!
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